What a year!

Our family started the year off in tears as we said goodbye to 2 family members and sadly it appears we will be saying goodbye to another member soon.

My grandfather has slipped into a coma so it won't be long until he is not with us any more. He's spent most of the year in the hospital so I'm glad to know his pain is ending soon. But it's makes me sad that he's leaving us. He's the only grandparent I ever had the chance to know.

I'm sure I will get a lot of grief for not going to see him before he passes. But I can't. The last 10 years of our relationship has been so strained. I've never felt good enough to be his granddaughter no matter what I did. But that is not why I choose not to go.

I'm still haunted by the images of my uncle Royce dying. A man who always had a smile on his face and a bear hug for anyone who wanted it. He died in July 2005 and my last memories were watching this strong man wither into nothing. I don't want those kind of images haunting the memories of my grandfather!

We may not have had a great relationship recently... but a long time ago, he made me feel like his princess! He made me feel like I was the most special of all the grandkids. A man who was always there with gum (OMG that's where my dad gets it! *smile*) and a knee to sit on. I want to remember him that way. Not sick and dying.

I love you Grandpa! I know you won't ever read this but I know in my heart you know. I hope I am a granddaughter that has made you proud.